Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
