my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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