Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
