i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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