I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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