things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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