i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
