Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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