Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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