Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i will never coherently bang her
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
