I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
