Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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