I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
