I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
stop calling my apartment porn island.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
