Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
