i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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