Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
