"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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