I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
