I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
