the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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