It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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