The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
