Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
my being single is dangerous.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
