My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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