he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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