Your mouth is God's brothel.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
