mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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