I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I intend to get homeless drunk
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
