i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
