I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
