I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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