my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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