I accidentally had phone sex last night
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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