Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
