fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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