i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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