It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
