You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
