Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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