atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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