Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
as a side note pls kill me
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
