He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
