i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
