I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
This house was built for laser tag.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I had to cum in my sink.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
