How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
