I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
