i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
