nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
