dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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