is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
